ohisashiburi~~~

Just wanted to post here that http://saffy.saishuu.net has now been revived. RIP LJ haha XD

It's at times like this, when I feel like I want to hide from the world, when I wished I didn't live in reality, when I feel so small and insignificant... that I am amazingly thankful to have even the few number of friends that I do.

I don't think I've ever really been a good friend to anyone. I always forget to call, I'm really bad at replying e-mails, I'll not contact you for god knows how many months... and ultimately I lose a lot of friendships this way. And I'm not just talking about friends I've known online, I'm talking about real life flesh and blood people as well.

And I hate this part of me. There's a part that feels really guilty about doing this, and there's a part of me that... it's not that I don't care... it's just that sometimes all I can see is what's right in front of me and so I forget the other 315 degrees of my life and the guilty part of me gets overriden.

I honestly don't know how anyone puts up with me... but amazingly some people do. And to those people I say thank you... thank you for even just acknowledging who I am.

No matter what people may think, I never forget the friends that have been and gone. Even if they may hate me or never want to see or speak to me again, I will still remember them. Because every friend has had a part to play in my life.

I don't even know what I'm writing about now. It even just sounds like I'm pitying myself... when I honestly I am just trying to vent some of my frustration about myself out. I think... I'm just having a mood swing. I just asked an old... I shall now say aquaintance since it's pretty much clear where our relationship stands now... anyway I asked them a simple question on MSN because I'm going to attempt to do the impossible and clear up all lose ends, and they answered fine enough... and then they added one line after that which was enough to make you feel like they'd just dug a whole in the ground, threw you in it along with every disgusting creepy crawly you could think of, covered the whole with mud again and pissed on it and then walked away as if they'd washed their hands of something putride.

Yes... all this I felt through one short sentence.

I am a bad friend. I don't know how I became like this. I used to be 'saffy, the one who always smiled and never had any problems'. Yes people used to ask me how I could smile all the time, because they never saw me sad. Even now, I don't know how I used to do it back then. I guess, I must have tryly been happy at one point in my life.

Again I don't know where I'm going with this, and maybe I should just stop because I'm probably just making myself feel worse.

I think I've just... forgotten... how to relate to people and how to care... argh I'm going to go to bed.

I was browsing through my family gallery when I found something extremely random. I have know idea who went and scanned this in and then didn't tell me they uploaded it by I shall find out!

This is me in my *ahem* past life! :P

( *sings* I'm a little Chinese girl... *cough* )

Oh the days when I used to rule... *runs*

maritp ahaha... well you did ask and I did warn you already that this wouldn't be very good :P Anyway, the reason I never record my attempts at a rockier kinda song is because I suck at making a decent backing :P i.e. my guitar skills are like... lower than low, and my drum skills amount to dl'ing random drum loops off the internet hahaha. And plus I'm less confident with this genre of song.

So you have been warned! Hahaha... if you still dare to venture forth, this is the verse and chorus of a song called INSOMNIAC kyahaha... and btw it's called the quiet version coz I recorded this fresh just now. But the 'little man' is sleeping, so my mum already shh'ed me and I can't sing any 'louder' than this HAHAHAHA XD

Saffy - Insomniac [draft verse+chorus 'quiet' version] [mp3/1.09mb]

============
The doll that sleeps inside my dreamer's nightmare
Awakens only when she's told
She eats her fill of sadness, pain and despair
Ready to walk the lonely road

When she looks in the mirror
She sees what a mere mortal would fear to find
They would rather be blind
Every shade of my soul
Every black and blue and gold will take shape and form
Cursed before the dawn

When I close my eyes there are things that shouldn't be
It's like my demons are waiting to devour me
It's like I'm caught in the middle there's no turning back
Do I suffer from symptoms of an insomniac?
============

um... yeah... *runs*

Well I know I haven't been around much, and I probably should do a big update and catch up on what everyone's up to. But for now, I felt like posting about my baka inspiration. And when I say baka, I mean my one and only ichiban baka. Hahahaha... after watching a certain 16 second 'event', this sort of came to mind.

I don't know where I'm going with it, but I wanted to record it and keep to work on later. Coz right now, inspiration suddenly gone dry *moo* Maybe it's coz I'm hungry hmm...

Saffy - When You [draft chorus+bridge] [mp3/779kb]
Saffy - When You [draft chorus+bridge corrected key] [mp3/758kb] *smirk Marit* (see comments for explaination =.=;;)

And coz it's my usual late night lazy singing :P here are the lyrics...

=============
When you wrapped your arms around her
When you gently caressed her cheek
When you told her you loved her and sealed it with a kiss
I wanted it to be me
I wanted to be the one you dream of

And damned if I don’t love you
I’m picking up the pieces of my heart
Every time I try to seal them back together
They always seem to fall apart
And damned if I don’t love you
It’s sickening to know it hurts this much
Even though I try to forget you
Even death may not be enough
=============

...I think I'm going to get a heart clot from all the super glue...

*kyaaaaaahhh~~~* can you hear the fangirly screams?? Yes my Arashi 2006-2007 Calender has arrived today! And what a way to start my favourite month of the year! YOSHI!!

And in true Saffy genius madness... I took a whole load of pictures for you all to drool over. If you have ordered it and are still waiting for it to arrive, do not click the cut because it will be a MAJOR SPOILER for you. If you haven't, or you don't mind... then please go ahead ^_^

NB: Please don't post elsewhere. Just direct people to this page. And please do not hotlink since I am hosting them on my server!

( Only click if you don't mind seeing the entire calender )

Well I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!!

did I just buy BOTH...

http://www.sakurai-sho.com AND
http://www.sho-sakurai.com

ok... I think I'm going to go and hide myself in a VERY DARK CORNER right now. I mean I know I was thinking of buying one and making a big sho site or even just a simple scan site. But... I bought BOTH?

EDIT: Geez... I think I'm completely OVER ENTHUSIASTIC about this! Seriously I only started this to test out the reseller hosting account I just bought (because I'm moving all my shared accounts to be under one reselling account and it means I'm paid up for the whole year as well ^_^).

ANYWAY... I moved those domains over first to test out creating hosting packages and stuff. And just to make sure everything worked ok... I made the first part of the fan site... *ahem* the GALLERY.

http://touch.sakurai-sho.com/

HAHAHAHAHA XD yes... it's called TOUCH XD because I was thinking of 'Touch me now' and the fact that the subdomain becomes TOUCH SAKURAI SHO amuses me greatly!! haha... ok the whole gallery is READY and I just have to start uploading scans ^_^ I think I'll stick in those Arashi ones I just did first.

It's funny how simple things can inspire you. I walked to work today from the station through a beautiful blizzard of snow. Cold and numb as I was, it wasn't alltogether unpleasant. I think, snow does things to me and gives me weird feelings.

______________________

Verse One
Snowflakes that fall
That melt upon your hair
Glisten like stars
Till they are no longer there
Were you really even here?
Did you even exist?
Should the lonely fire burn me
It won't break this bliss

Verse Two
Wandering forth
Blinded to my soul
I wait for your voice
In the chaos of snow
Love transcends infatuation
This I know is true
Till the day your arms possess me again
My heart can never move

Chorus
You and I
Reach beyond the furthest boundary ever known to man
The thread that binds us stained with love
From evil will withstand
You and I
Walk the path of different worlds but there's one thing I know
Where we are (Where we are)
Is inane (Is inane)
From the sky falls the same shattered snow
______________________


I honestly never... thought I'd EVER, use the word inane in a song. Even now I don't even know if it fits o.O;; but I quite like this one. Might try and actually finish it... and it's still snowing.

Audition is in less than 2 weeks... therefore I apologise to everyone for not staying in touch/visiting LJs/chatting online/replying e-mails at all... *sigh* Have next week off work as well for *ahem* 'intensive preparation'.

After my audition I'm straight off to London to watch this ^_^ Because at that point, my already past audition will be the last thing I want to think about. And plus, it looks to be a very impressive concert.

I am very tempted to and go watch this as well. I mean come on... it's Gershwin!

On a side note I've requested for my first year manchester uni credits to see if it's possible to transfer any to the Open University to do the BA/Bsc Open Degree. Honestly... 1. If I can use those credits I will. 2. Uni life is and never really was for me. 3. I'd still like to get a degree. 4. I have so many interests that doing the Open Degree is perfect for me and I can take my time of several years to complete it.

omg... it's a dream come true...

DEATH NOTE THE MOVIE

And so far Fujiwara Tatsuya (Battle Royale... general hawt and short dude) is confirmed as playing RAITO weeee!!! And shooting has started ALREADY. There's a short article about this in ENGLISH here. This SO better NOT be a HOAX otherwise I will surely cry A LITRE OF TEARS!! (oh the cheese...)

*saffy spasms in delight*
starts chanting...
*death note death note death note death note death note*

Ahhh I wonder who will end up playing L... *fangirl mode* L my little doll!!*exeunt fangirl mode* For non death note manga readers... I actually have a little graphic of L on my main saishuu.net page... he's so adorable and insane smart!!

TEMPORARY manga download: here
Coz saffy has to re-download everything since I just realised it was one of the mangas I lost when compie crashed before. So I started downloading at work, hence why it's on my server to now take home ^^ Anyway... those chapters will be there for about 24hrs so leech away. But DO NOT... I repeat DO NOT read chapter 58 straight... MAJOR SPOILER WARNING if you do. Plus you'd just miss waaaaay too much of the story. For an actual synopsis... shokizuki posted up a couple on abaka here.

I wrote this on the way home while sitting on the train. Don't ask me where these thoughts came from or what it means, because honestly I don't know myself. I know I was reading something that made me cry right before, and somehow my feelings poured into words. Yet, knowing me, this may not be about just one thing or anything at all since my mind never tends to work in a straight line.

( Give me the hand of God for a day )

And if you feel so inclined to hear an audio version (because I was somehow in the mood to make one *wink*) then: click me - 5.2mb/mp3

It's a bit blurgh, but I was too lazy to record it more than once o.O;; *listens again* urgh... it really is blurgh... I so need to work on not OVER articulating some things.

Saffy feels weird now.

Yo! I just got back home. *sigh* what a long day! Chinese New Year performance, running back to Guildford to make it for acting class, then off to Che Che's house for dinner! Here be pictures and a small report about what happened at the festival today ^_^




This is the first time the Chinese Association of Woking (CAW) had done such a show/festival. In the morning there were a bunch of culture and craft stalls set up around the market walkway, and then at about 12:30pm the opening procession started. And in true Chinese fashion... it was NOISY *smirk* The most amusing thing though about the procession, was when the little kids with their shakers went past and I evesdropped on a conversation going on behind me.

Girl A: "Aww look at all the Chinese kids they're so cute."
Girl B: "I want a little Chinese kid."
Saffy: "... o.O''"

My song was pretty early on, as in no.5 out of 18 acts hahaha... And I think it went pretty well! *wink* Considering this is the first time I'd sung in Manderin in public. Um... and yeah... I will admit, I forgot some of the words at one (or two) points :P But I don't think anyone noticed that I started to make a few lines up, and it would all sound like gibberish to the general non-Manderin speaking public anyway! Someone managed to get two clips of it for me. The first is only about 20 seconds long, and the 2nd is most of the 2nd half of the song.

20060204 Saffy - Reflections CLIP 01 (live-bilingual) - 0.59mb/mp3
20060204 Saffy - Reflections CLIP 02 (live-bilingual) - 2.21mb/mp3

There was a proper video of the whole thing that I'm going to try and get a hold of, so that I can have a copy of the whole song live^^ But in the meantime, I really feel like doing a home recording of this as well. Hahaha I forgot how much I really do love this song, and I've quite enjoyed singing it bilingual as well!^^

In between running around for my mum, I managed to catch some of the other performances. But my favourite has to be the finale stick dance. Because, well... it's just cool XD I managed to make a really tiny recording of part of the opening. And since all my attempts to embed it in LJ haven't worked, here's a download link instead.

20050204 CAW StickDanceclip - 2.24mb/avi
or watch it on zippyvideos
zippyvideos.com/20060204_caw_stickdanceclip

It was done and a digicam so it's really bad quality. But yeah this is another thing I wanna definately rip outta the actual video once I can get a hold of it! Anyway that's it really! hahaha... I didn't get a chance to take too many photos either since I was running up and down, but I know my mum's going to be collecting them from different people soon enough.

Ok now Saffy needs sleep! oyasumi ^_^

I think the title speaks for itself... excuse us... we were bored and started to test out some make up for tomorrow, And yes my sister decided to try out one blue and one purple eye o.O;;






Tomorrow I have to sing 'Reflections' from Mulan in both Chinese and English. Last week was Chinese New Year, so tomorrow the Chinese Society of Woking is putting on a public perfomance in the town square. Yeah I know, it's a cheesy song hahaha... but I thought, rather than sing something completely unknown (like I wanted to sing something by F.I.R or Jasmin Leong) at least some people might recognise this song.

Hai douzo... my crappy tester (1.34mb/mp3). It's only like up the end of the second verse. Etou... it's a crappy recording because:

1. My voice has decided to die tonight.
2. It was recorded on my digital camera.
3. I can't sing Chinese for crap.

I apologise right now to the Chinese speaking community for sounding completely ANG MO/MAT SALLEH/GAIJIN when I sing Chinese... I can't help it!!

So I randomly decided to visit truedeath after god knows how long and see what the boys are up to. True to form, they are all still World of Warcraft nuts. But sifting through the backlog, I found a very interesting post by Zaaba.

To cut a long story shot, since Zaaba already wrote a really good article about it and he's a much better write than me... Basically this girl wrote something that pissed this guy and other people off... again and again and it even made it to the Sunday Times!!

But through it all, some people still manage to see the humour in it... [quote] U derno meh ? Singapore is lidat one mah .... suma kiasu wan, one Q up everyone will follow ... we love queueing up wan ... u remember the hello kitty incident anot ? [/quote] AHAHAHAHA... gotta love singlish crack! And YES I REMEMBER the Hello Kitty incident since I was still there at the time! o.O;;

So the point of my post is:
1. BLOGS make the world go round.
2. That's a friggin nice loo.
3. Singaporeans never cease to be a source of amusement for me.

I think we need to amend the nursery rhyme.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words give me ultimate power until they come to bite me in the arse."

Excuse the random fangirl rant, but everytime I think I've got this crap under control, the lovesickness creeps up on me again! And then the wonderful sutafairu sends me links to the baka's SOLO CON clips on clubbox and fuels this stupidity even more!! (you know I love you strawb really...)

My god the boy looked HOT in the clips! I'm talking about the Mezamashi and Geinou Sapuri news clips about his solo con. *moo* I want to SCREENCAP them but I can't till I get home They're done!!

( click me for the hawtness that is Sakurai Sho )

Sometimes I do wonder what my facination is with the baka. I mean I found myself staring at his ARM for god's sake... HIS ARM. What's so nice about a stupid arm?? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME!! おしえてください！！ And remind me never to watch anything Sho related ever again while I'm at work, even IF I'm on my lunch break. Because now my concentration has gone out the window completely... I'm trying to write something that makes sence, but the image of his friggin ARM keeps popping into my head!!

GAH XD!! And before I lose it completely, here be his last spoken sentence on the Geinou Sapuri clip. It's double checked with the on screen nihongo subtitles... yeah... coz you MUMBLE so they had to put SUBTITLES for everyone else you baka!! ahahaha... just kidding! It's probably for idiots like me who don't always get what you're saying. Anyway... you should just ignore the translation, since I never trust myself and am almost always WRONG :P

今年は嵐5人の活動も[jin?する]と思うので嵐の方も是非よろしくお願いします。
Because this year, I feel that the activities of the 5 members of Arashi are also [something], then please, without fail stay by Arashi's side.

Omg what a lame ass translation!! And also that [something] bit is because I can't figure out what he's saying. It sounds like [jinsuru] but I could find the right kanji for jin and jinsuru isn't even a word. *poo* I'll screencap it when I get home. It's in this screencap. It's definately [something]SURU.

Sho... I hate you... but I'm still going to draw 'THE SHOW' in pink glitter on my black tank top so that it looks just like yours. But yeah... don't gloat!

This is for all you lovelies who are still studying and are having exams at the moment. Swiped from kei! *YOINK* (amami: happy now?)



Kyahaha~~~
EDIT: now moving all nihongo related entries as well to amamigo Yes! It's the return of GACKT SENSEI!! ^_^ eeps... since I kinda realised that I do like blogging again now hahaha... so yeah... time to split things up! :P anyway... right now it's just me trying to get my head around verbs... *ahem* getting there...

CRAP CRAP CRAP GSA just called and asked me if I wanted to take up an audition slot on 11th February... HELL NO!! I haven't even chosen all my audition pieces yet!! Ahahaha... okok so the next available one is 4th March... *phew* ok that's more like... so I literally have ONE MONTH LEFT TO SORT MY HEAD OUT!! ARGH XD!! Now that I have a date on it... I'm FREAKING OUT!!

OMG!! The audition schedule is OUT! Ok... just to recap because I don't think I've told anyone about my plan yet. This year I'm auditioning for theatre school. My audition is going to be around the end of the month, I'm still waiting for the school to send me my audition date. If by some horrible and ungodly reason I don't pass the first audition, I plan to still audition the year after. In the meantime, I really need to think of what to do.

So what am I going to do??

I'm going to audition for TOKYO DISNEYLAND!! Ok so it's another audition *sob* But basically doing something like that would give me 6 months worth of both performance and nihongo practise. As much as I'd LOVE to do this... I hope I don't have to do this! (i.e. I pass my first audition gah XD)

So anyway... why am I suddenly so excited? Well the audition dates are out!! ahaha... yeah like huh? You're probably wondering why I'd get excited over audition dates... but well I just am. Since I've been constantly checking the auditions page... and finally they've released the Tokyo Disneyland audition dates!!

CLICK ME - March 14th!!

I've been so busy lately, that even writing short updates has become somewhat of a challenge. But I've made time today because of what happened this weekend, because I love my mummy to bits and because I'm feeling a little... teary-eyed?

My mummy is a foster carer, and a couple of weeks ago she was given a new baby to foster. Let's call him JL okie?^^ He was born at 26 weeks (that's VERY pre-mature) and had the support of oxygen machines for the first 3 months of his life because his lungs didn't fuction properly. If you're wondering why he's in foster care, it's because his mother decided to dissapear after giving birth to him. So for the 2 weeks before he was due to come home to us, my mummy went to visit him almost every day in the hospital. Even at that young age, one should never be alone.

Then finally our family of 3 became a family of 4 ^_^ Po Po (Chinese for Grandma), Kakak (Malay for Big Sis), Che Che (Chinese for Big Sis) and JL! I have to say, the precious little thing is the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my life, but that's why I adore him. If anyone wants to doubt that we evolved from the apes, then one look at JL will set their minds at ease *wink*. It's amazing how much you can come to love someone in just 2 weeks.

So on Saturday while I was at Drama School, my mummy, sis and JL were out and about. Mummy had just picked my sis up from her sports club and were heading off for Morrison's only a few minutes drive away. JL as usual made his cute little squeaks and squeals as they went. But then, suddenly... he was silent. Luckly they were just coming into the car park at Morrison's and Mummy found a spot near to the supermarket entrance.

When she went to check on JL, his lips were completely blue. Not COLD blue, but NOT BREATHING blue. He'd stopped breathing. Mummy rushed him in through the supermarket entrance and lay him down in one corner. Though she'd previously been a nurse, this was admitadely the first time she'd had to deal with this kind of situation outside of a hospital, and with a 3 month old baby at that!

But nerves didn't get the better of her as she blew small puffs of air into his tiny mouth. A few minutes later the crowd had gathered and the supermarket first aiders had arrived. But by then... he was breathing again ^_^ My 13 year old sister (whom I'm very very proud of) had already called for an ambulance as well. JL spent the night in hospital so that he could be monitored. Mummy told me it broke her heart to see all the needles going back into him while he lay screaming on his little hospital bed.

The doctors said that they didn't find anything wrong with him and that it was most likely that he had choked on his own saliva. We also don't know how long he'd not been breathing for. It could have been 1 minute, it could have been more. We won't know till later if there is going to be any long term side effects either.

But what I can say, is that if anyone had to have been there, I'm glad it was my mummy. Everyone she's ever looked after (and that includes those she cared for before she formally became a foster mother), she's given all her heart to. That's something I don't think I can do and that I admire her for. Sometimes I do get jealous that I have to share my mummy with other people. But then I realise that she has so much love to give that it's ok.

There was a time in my life when I didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself, and I didn't know what I was supposed to live for. But then I realised that Mummy cared for me no matter what I did wrong, or how many times I strayed from my path. So I decided, that I'll live for Mummy. I'll live to achieve things that will make her proud. I know it all sounds a little extreme, but rather than delve into a whole history of things, I'll just say that... at this point my will to stay alive comes from my mummy.

This is why I'm thankful that I was born as my mummy's daughter. This is why I feel that there's some meaning to my life. And this is why お母さん = 愛

Yesterday I met a new friend. Her name is Sahoko Kuroda-san. Saho-san works in the International Centre at Guildford College. She's 31, but I think she looks young.

Saffy: "I love Arashi!"
Saho-san: "... HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Saffy: "(^o^)"

Saho-san gave me her e-mail and telephone number.

==(^o^)==

きのうあたらしいともだちにあいました。あの方のなまえはさほこくろださんです。さほさんがGuildford CollegeのInternational Centreにはたらきます。三十一さいですがかおすきがわかいとおもうです。

サフィ: 「嵐が好きです！」
さほさん: 「。。。 ははははは！！！」
サフィ: 「(^o^)」

さほさんが私にイメイルとでんわばんごを上げました。

==(^o^)==

Oi maritp I watched SukaJ... damn funny!! But WTH... the SubaruxMaru make out scene... aiyah slightly dissapointing... coz it was SO SHORT!! But I loved the rest of SukaJ ^_^ I already told you I loved it when you were such a baka when you said 'S'. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that er yeah... I looked like an idiot asking for 水. But what the hell?? Ryo trying to look all かっこいい... heh! I need to remember to download more Kanjani more often. Perfect for when you need something mindless to cheer you up!

サフィちゅうう noesunexito !