junryouhana (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} junryouhana) wrote,@ 2006-04-04 23:23:00 |
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Friendship
It's at times like this, when I feel like I want to hide from the world, when I wished I didn't live in reality, when I feel so small and insignificant... that I am amazingly thankful to have even the few number of friends that I do.
I don't think I've ever really been a good friend to anyone. I always forget to call, I'm really bad at replying e-mails, I'll not contact you for god knows how many months... and ultimately I lose a lot of friendships this way. And I'm not just talking about friends I've known online, I'm talking about real life flesh and blood people as well.
And I hate this part of me. There's a part that feels really guilty about doing this, and there's a part of me that... it's not that I don't care... it's just that sometimes all I can see is what's right in front of me and so I forget the other 315 degrees of my life and the guilty part of me gets overriden.
I honestly don't know how anyone puts up with me... but amazingly some people do. And to those people I say thank you... thank you for even just acknowledging who I am.
No matter what people may think, I never forget the friends that have been and gone. Even if they may hate me or never want to see or speak to me again, I will still remember them. Because every friend has had a part to play in my life.
I don't even know what I'm writing about now. It even just sounds like I'm pitying myself... when I honestly I am just trying to vent some of my frustration about myself out. I think... I'm just having a mood swing. I just asked an old... I shall now say aquaintance since it's pretty much clear where our relationship stands now... anyway I asked them a simple question on MSN because I'm going to attempt to do the impossible and clear up all lose ends, and they answered fine enough... and then they added one line after that which was enough to make you feel like they'd just dug a whole in the ground, threw you in it along with every disgusting creepy crawly you could think of, covered the whole with mud again and pissed on it and then walked away as if they'd washed their hands of something putride.
Yes... all this I felt through one short sentence.
I am a bad friend. I don't know how I became like this. I used to be 'saffy, the one who always smiled and never had any problems'. Yes people used to ask me how I could smile all the time, because they never saw me sad. Even now, I don't know how I used to do it back then. I guess, I must have tryly been happy at one point in my life.
Again I don't know where I'm going with this, and maybe I should just stop because I'm probably just making myself feel worse.
I think I've just... forgotten... how to relate to people and how to care... argh I'm going to go to bed.
It's at times like this, when I feel like I want to hide from the world, when I wished I didn't live in reality, when I feel so small and insignificant... that I am amazingly thankful to have even the few number of friends that I do.
I don't think I've ever really been a good friend to anyone. I always forget to call, I'm really bad at replying e-mails, I'll not contact you for god knows how many months... and ultimately I lose a lot of friendships this way. And I'm not just talking about friends I've known online, I'm talking about real life flesh and blood people as well.
And I hate this part of me. There's a part that feels really guilty about doing this, and there's a part of me that... it's not that I don't care... it's just that sometimes all I can see is what's right in front of me and so I forget the other 315 degrees of my life and the guilty part of me gets overriden.
I honestly don't know how anyone puts up with me... but amazingly some people do. And to those people I say thank you... thank you for even just acknowledging who I am.
No matter what people may think, I never forget the friends that have been and gone. Even if they may hate me or never want to see or speak to me again, I will still remember them. Because every friend has had a part to play in my life.
I don't even know what I'm writing about now. It even just sounds like I'm pitying myself... when I honestly I am just trying to vent some of my frustration about myself out. I think... I'm just having a mood swing. I just asked an old... I shall now say aquaintance since it's pretty much clear where our relationship stands now... anyway I asked them a simple question on MSN because I'm going to attempt to do the impossible and clear up all lose ends, and they answered fine enough... and then they added one line after that which was enough to make you feel like they'd just dug a whole in the ground, threw you in it along with every disgusting creepy crawly you could think of, covered the whole with mud again and pissed on it and then walked away as if they'd washed their hands of something putride.
Yes... all this I felt through one short sentence.
I am a bad friend. I don't know how I became like this. I used to be 'saffy, the one who always smiled and never had any problems'. Yes people used to ask me how I could smile all the time, because they never saw me sad. Even now, I don't know how I used to do it back then. I guess, I must have tryly been happy at one point in my life.
Again I don't know where I'm going with this, and maybe I should just stop because I'm probably just making myself feel worse.
I think I've just... forgotten... how to relate to people and how to care... argh I'm going to go to bed.
