I really wish to be in South-Korea right now. Me and unknown people. yummy...

this post is coming in mixed languages however the thoughts feel to me to be more comfortable.

Ever felt the strong need and joy of wanting to do something particular?
I feel that I need to write down everything my over-working brain is thinking right now. It might be that only then I'm ok tomorrow. Hoidku jumal, kui ma peaksin homme ka sama katki olema, siis on asi päris kaugele juba läinud ja ma peaksin tõsiselt mõtlema mõne psühhiaatriaga ühendust võtmisele.
This is not a desparate call: HELP ME!! It's me trying to write it all down. This is me WANTING to do this. It's similar with the rush-feeling of wanting to play x-box or wanting to sing, or read something. or cook...
above this I need to find a fast solution to my problem. it is not normal, it is definitely not who I want to be. it's total opposite. It's someone who I do not want to be at any cost...
Following is 100% me with the mixture of Massandra's Muskat rose wine.

* I'm getting more skilled in hiding my feelings. The hardest is it with my mom, since moms know always when something troubles their child. Even when you make happy voice they see it in your eyes or your posture, or just have a gut-feeling. I surprised myself when I came out of my old home. I felt like a shit. It was right after I wrote the last post. Why I surprised myself is that I managed to talk and say goodbye to my mom and her husband with really formal yet friendly voice. Ema: "Näed sa ikka siin pimedas midagi?" mina: "aga muidugi, pole mingit probleemi" ... "Paned sa ise ukse kinni või panen mina?" ema: "Ma panen!" mina: "ok, aga siis tšau. näeme/räägime." ema: "Head aega" Aap: "No nägemist!" I most likely fooled my mom, since I didn't have any eye-contact. She just heard me since she was eating. Would she have seen my eyes she would have understood that something was off. But since she only heard my voice. My voice was so calm, strong, like nothing has happened. I really surprised myself. Am I really able to put on a voice-face so strongly? If I continue like that and keep on hiding my feelings I'm afraid of the result. Does this mean that sooner or later I will end up home alone and the only one/only thing who understands that something is off is the wine bottle? Everyone else thinks that all is good, peachy and I'm totally ok. ... would this mean that I want people to see that I'm out of place when I'm out of place?

* I guess something in me really does want that. Like in my previous post - somehow in my subconciousness I want the mood to last, I'm hoping someone will save me and get me out of this crap. When finishing my last post I started to look at my phone. Why doesn't someone call? why doesn't Heigo give me any feedback on the text message? Why doesn't Kadri call? I need to communicate. I need someone with whom I can communicate and lean on. someone who will bring be out of this shit. Yet it's logical that no-one calls. well hello... Heigo just deleted the message right after I sent it to him most likely. Why the hell should he need an apology, why the hell should he answer? It was just a girl with bad mood and now making him one part of her moodswings. Why should he care?.. and why should Kadri call? she knew something was off. I even told her here and there why I acted like I did... She will just read this here when she wants some answers. Why should she call me? and everyone else? well.. no-one calls me anyway unless they have serious business with me. since that's how I am. I'm no good in small-talk, so people don't call me since they know I can't small-talk back.
In all of this thinking I do not realize that that someone who can help me can only be me. I can not lean on anyone else. It's only me who can get myself out of this shit. Yet I'm waiting. Hoping. in subconciousness screaming: "someone, help!!"

* I guess all my life there has been someone who helps me. My mom, dad, sis, friends. I never do something on my own. At least that's how I feel. There are like only 10 things in my life (kui sedagi), that I have done 100% on my own. everything else is always with the help of someone. I'm feeling like a princess. I always have felt like that. The first time I said it out loud was when I talked about this with Heigo. Ma rääkisin, kuidas ma pole elus mitte tundigi ametlikult töötanud. Ometigi on mul keskklassi auto ja tõenäoliselt ka tiba kõrgem kui keskklassi korter. Kõik oma ema tõttu, kuna ta soovis, et ma astun ellu ilma laenudeta. Oleksin ma ise endale korteri ostnud oleksin pidanud laenu võtma. sama ka autoga. And then after saying it out loud I suddenly realized how true it all is. Before saying it out loud I never thought it through. I just thought it's natural and made fun of other princesses who lived just like me, not even realizing I'm actually making fun of myself...
I'm well off. And because I have gotten most of it for free because of my mom I respect everyone who have had to go through harsh things to get to this point where I am already. I know there are people who envy me. Don't. Trust me you are much luckier than me, because you have had to do it all on your own. I was given a silver spoon and I took it without any effort... and now I'm living here with this silver spoon and just spending money my mom gives me every month, since I don't have a work and hence you can call me a leech...

* There is only one person who I know who has also gotten the silver spoon full of money and has made it work. She got a job, she worked herself up, made career, now has 2 adorable children and awesome husband, not even being 30 yet. She has everything one can wish for. She grew up in a wealthy family and she made it work so that she is 100% independant now and really successful. I respect her so much. Sadly I don't get along with her. She has everything one can wish for. But it has it's own flaws. Since she knows her value, she knows how great she is, so she often acts superior to you. When you talk with her you have to be on your guard because suddenly she might bite you. It's her way of showing that she is THE person in the group. you have nothing against her. I wish I would know her better. But sadly she is just a person with a name and a face. Although I have lived together with her over 6 years at least and later see her at least once a month in my old home. She's a stranger...

* why I talked about her was because of how much I respect her. Yes yes, I told it already. but WHY I respect her? Because I was given almost the same opportunities when I left home as she was, but I have gone the opposite road as she has. we both got an apartment and a car, our schoolfees were paied by our parent. But she made it work. She took the right subject to learn, she went to work already before ending her university, she made career, she found the perfect husband, she has 2 awesome children, she is good in tennis...
But where am I? I made the wrong choice in picking asian studies to learn. Or I would have learned harder so that I would have made it work in the future with languages and stuff, but I didn't and now am studing completely different subject with the hopes that this time it will work... I still don't have a job. I have never worked in my life and the more time goes by the more I'm afraid of working.
I have only had 3 boyfriends in my life. all 3 people were not the ones I would hope for as a long lasting boyfriend.

* Why am I writing this all down? why am I so open? why am I planning on putting this post as public so everyone can read?
The answer to the first question I already gave right in the beginning of this post. I'm writing this all down because I want to be normal again tomorrow. Hopefully writing all that comes to my mind today helps a lot. Why am I so open? Because I feel I don't have anything to hide. I'm like an open book to everyone. Besides I know that there are only couple of people who actually are willing to read my post entirely through. The reason for the ones who don't read it isn't because it's mine. It's because it's "again the same old "me vs world" theme that I can read from every single friend's blog time to time. I'm tired ot this. Give me something that isn't so deep. I need shallow "Let's have a MUFFIN-PARTY!!" theme..."
Why am I planning on putting this post as public so everyone can see? I know there is at least one person who is reading it as anonymous (Hi, Kadri!!). And like I said I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore. Couple of weeks ago I would have started to delete or make some posts as "private". Now I won't. I still have a lot of posts as "private", but I don't know if I will unlock them or not. I'm still thinking about it. If I make them public then it means tomorrow when I'm sober I have to be still in the same conclusion as today - it's ok to make them public. I do not have to be afraid. I can not be ashamed. It's my life. Take it or leave it. Better take it. Take it as my process of growing up. When I have written something negative please take it as moment-emotion. It isn't how I feel every single day. See oli lihtsalt äkkemotsioon ... issand eesti keeles on nii imelik järsku kirjutada... I hope you understand me and when it's needed, forgive me... If you don't forgive me, then I apologise. I guess everything is meant to happen like they do. I'm not going to hide anything anymore...

* Apologizing is another thing. I'm saying "sorry" and "thank you" too much. Too much and often in totally wrong situation...
yesterday in the tennis tournament I started to realize I'm saying "sorry" or "cheers" too many times to my partner. Most likely Mart (I really really hope it was his rightful name now) felt awkward that I said "thanks" or "sorry" so many times. why oh why do I have to apologize. He even said it. "why say sorry? don't be sorry. It happens" when I made a failure and we lost a point or two.
Yet this is how I am. Kui ma tunnen ennast allpool seisvana siis ma hakkan tihti vabandama ja tänama. Ise tunnen ka kui jabur see on, kuid ma ei saa pidama.
Nagu siis, kui ma Märteniga koos olin. Vahel ma vabandasin kohtades kus polnud vaja vabandada. Vahel tänasin kohtades, kus vastuseks sain väga imestunud pilgu: "Miks sa tänad?!" Kuid vahel on mul tunne, et ma pean seda tegema. Mis siis kui ma tean, et teine inimene suudaks ainult vastuseks VÄGA imestunud pilgu anda. (tihti on see seotud sellega, mida ma tunnen. a'la kui ma pean kuhugi ootamatult tõttama kuigi mul on inimesega midagi plaanis, siis selgitan talle, et ma pean mujale minema ja kui teine ütleb, et loomulikult mine, siis ma ütlen vastuseks ahastunult: "aitäh ja VABANDUST!!")
Ka täna kusagil ema abistades suutsin "vabandust" öelda, mis siis, kui ma poleks pidanud seda ütlema... MIKS ma seda kõike teen ma ei tea. isegi purjus peaga ei suuda ma seda välja mõelda, mis siis, et tavaliselt purjalik suudan ma palju paremini endast aru saada, kui kaine peaga. go figure...

* I'm half way with my 1 litre Muskat rose wine. I don't usally drink alone. Actually I never do it. Because if I would it would give my mom the creeps. My grandpa (mom's dad) was a drunkard. As I understand my mom hated it. I don't know my grandpa since he died before I was born I think. But I do know all the feelings my mom goes through when someone drinks and can't stop. I'm not this kind of a person. Usually I drink with people. I think it's the third time I drink on my own right now. First time was when I wanted to drink one certain wine but there was no-one who I could drink it with. So I dranbk it all my own. The second time was when I had too many alcohol in my fridge and I needed to get rid of it before someone notices it. The alcohol was left-overs from some party I think. jaanilaupäev?... anyway then I drank 1 beer all on my own. OH MY GOD!! right? xDD
and then the third time is today. I'm planning to drink the whole 1 litre wine today. I'm drunk already I know it. The wine tastes good. And I'm already thinking oh noes, I can only have one more glass before it's all gone.. crap...

* Why does my wine look so orange? like someone has put brandy into the glass and squizzed an orange into it?!

* Right now when I got to the toilet and saw myself in the mirror I'm not what I would wish to look at in the mirror. I would wish for a nice face with gentle eyes. I see sad eyes with sullen face. Is everything I'm writing down so painful? I don't feel it right now. Alcohol has it's own ways of smoothing the pain. Would I have to make this post as "private" tomorrow when I'm sober and can think clearly? If this post is still see-able after tomorrow then it means I'm doing everything correctly tonight and I'm not ashamed tomorrow... what you see/read is what you get...

* OMG, I'm dancing after Pjotr Tchaikovsky "Russian dance"... I'm dancing after a classique? what is happening to me?!?! (if a dancing can be called as swinging your upper-body left-right really heavily)

* It's weird, I'm talking with Indrek and Edgar online and I feel how I can trust them no matter what. I know them really little. With Edgar I have talked only 3 times, with Indrek about 7 times. Yet with both I feel I can trust them my life. Edgar because he lives in Latvia and Indrek because I know he is interested in me... Is it the result of alcohol or is it the result of something else?

* Obviously I'm out of the real/true stuff to talk about hence the previous "sections" have been ramblings... ... I think the wine has finally got me... If only my internet will get me too... I have Kõu which is Estonian's energy internet.. It sucks big time.. I don't even remember anymore why I got it... come on WORK!!!

* Mis paneb sind rääkima võhivõõraga teisest riigist? On see on ühine minevik? On see ühine skype'i vestlused? On see ühine - OMG me oleme koos online!! ? Mis on see mis paneb sind rääkima talle oma ootustest, probleemidest, elust-olust? ... lol mees laulis mulle läbi skype'i... ma tõepoolest ei tahaks midagi kommenteerida, aga hääl oli hea ja tal polnud vist õrna aimugi, et vastassoo esindajale laulmine (ja enne seda on ta mulle ka luuletust lugenud läbi skype'i) võib tähendada nii mõndagi xD hea, et mees on selline muhe tegelane. muidu oleks ma vist esimese lauluvärsi peale disconnect vajutanud xD

Clearly I overthought yesterday. It's one of the things I'm really skilled at.
haven't overthought like that for ages now. which is why today it continued and still is continuing. I'm trying to get normal again, I really am.. or am I?
sometimes when I brake down like that in my subconciousness I'm hoping that someone will come and save me. Someone who will make everything ok again. I don't trust myself. I'm not strong enough to get myself out of this shit really fast. sure sooner or later I will be normal again, but usually it takes days. I'm trying to change into normal person again mostly after I get bored being this pitiful-person. yet the boredom will come into play later.. much later than it should...

so today I ticked around. it's mom's birthday today so I came to my old home to help her. I ticked around. Felt like a blanket was covering my eyes. Tried to socialize. it worked. somehow I managed to trick people into believing I'm alright, even myself for awhile.

Then went to play tennis. Sport is something where you release your energy, right? well I released the wrong energy. about 15-20 minutes in the beginning I played alright and then I broke down. The ticking ended and the blanket fell down. Even Heigo's: "take it easy!" didn't help anymore. Usually it does...
I was everywhere with my emotions. My thoughts ran wild. I was thinking about why everyone in my mom's side of family (my uncles and aunts) have really sharp tounge. Why my dad has a sharp tounge. Why I'm having a sharp tounge. Usually I'm trying to restrict myself with my natural-sharp-tounge, but sometimes when I'm really tired I just let it rip and then I'm hurting people who are with me and I'm hurting myself. Usually I use my sharp-tounge when speaking with myself. Like the days before when the bitch took control over me and thought that I'm a wussy who can never achive anything.

Also the I'm-not-a-small-talk-person-theme came into the play when I was in tennis. I'm looking at how full of smiles Kadri and Heigo are when talking, saw new side of Heigo once again. Kinda secretly one. They talked something, I never understood what, it seemed to be a secret. It doesn't bother me that they talked something that most likely they didn't want to explain. what bothered me was that it all seemed so small-talk yet also secret. How can this be? how can you hush-hush with someone and yet make it as a small-talk?! how is it possible? It's not in my world. it is in theirs. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?! why can't I comprehend that small-talk + secrets is also possible...

And then I found myself staring at Heigo. Who is this guy?! why is he so familiar like a big brother yet as stranger as one can be?! What is he thinking? How is his philosphy when communicating with his pupils? his friends? his family? his special person? WHO IS HE?!
I was so in my thoughts that apart from startling Kadri who is my good friend, I most likely startled also Heigo. When talking with Kadri he was full of smiles then turning to me his face went serious. It's natural that your facial expressions are the same as with the ones you talk with. When one person (Kadri) makes jokes and laughs all the time then you automatically are also full of smiles and laughter. And when the other (me) is completely in other world with her thoughts and just stares at Kadri and you, your face goes serious since you can't possible smile at the person. It's logical right? But since my thought ran wild I started to think stuff again. childish, stupid, jump-out-of-the-window thoughts.
I think you can call me a party-mood-killer. That's who I was today in tennis. It has happened with me before. I just brake down and sooner or later everyone else are also affected by it and try to keep the mood up. I feel ashamed. Why am I this kind of a person? Why am I doing it? I blame it all on my young age. But it's wrong. People at my age and in other bigger country most likely never are these mood-killers. When they are they are just called emo perhaps...

I feel broken. I don't know how to stop thinking. I just keep continuing thinking and doing stupid things. Like texting Heigo and saying sorry if I startled him as much as I startled Kadri. It was never my intention. WHO CARES MARIT?! Heigo most likely just thought I was having an episode again and that's it. why oh why do you have to go and text him and apologise and just being full of shames and crap?
I don't know how to stop thinking... Should I go to sleep? Should I go and run my heart out in this darkness and then get lost in the woods? should I open the bottle of wine that I have? or drink Sambuca? One is for sure, I can't read for my school today. the thought of reading something right now is so alien. perhaps I don't want to read since it means I might get right back on my track/normal life and someway in my subconciousness I don't want to let go of these feelings. I'm a child with emo-lollipop. I'm licking the lollipop and feeling sad. someone save me...

well that was definitely an experience. My first tennis tournament. Got into best 8! =) sadly right after that lost, but really closely 6:7
Since the pairs were put together by how long we have played. then me, with my 7 month experience in tennis, I got a trainer as a partner... trainer...
It felt a bit awkward at first. Since he was the only trainer who took part in the competition and somehow luck was at my side so I got him as my partner. It was like whole day training for me, since he taught me a lot during our games. How I should position myself what I should do. Later he told me that he didn't play with his full energy since then the others would not have had any chance. Doesn't matter if it was true or not. but the way we did play. Seriously if I would have had someone else as my partner we most likely would not have gotten into the best 8. (out of at least 20 I think) So I was lucky.

There were people who said that it was unfair. That I got a trainer as my partner. But there was nothing I could do. Yet I kinda pulled myself back from the crowd and played the part of a quiet and shy girl. Because if I would have been the loud and cheerful one then I would have provoked the people perhaps to say even louder that it was unfair that I got a trainer as a partner...

It was a wrong choice - being a quiet and shy girl. Would I not have had Kadri with me as a conversation partner in there the atmosphere would have turned really awkward for me. I would have started to think that I'm absolutely no good in talking with people, that I'm not attractive enough to invite people in and let them talk, that in my 23years in life I'm still at the level of a 5 year old, who doesn't know how to be, act, walk and talk when being in the same room with strangers.
All cheers go to Kadri since she was the one who kept me company and not knowingly kept my mood up!

This all rocketed me back to my thought of how miserable I seem to myself sometimes.
I don't know how to act, I don't know how to use right words at right time. sometimes I just stare at someone and think why oh why are we both so quiet now. I have to find something to talk about or my partner will leave me soon. but what? I don't understand why I can't do this small-talk thingy that many people who surround me are so good at. Most of the time when I talk I talk about reasonable things, I ask something serious, I try to figure out something, I try to analyze things. It's like today. My partner was sitting opposite me. We talked about tennis. My questions were all about tennis, tennis technique, tennis partners, tennis competitions, tennis trainers in tennis competitions... and then suddenly quietness. It all felt so awkward for me. I started to think really fast what else to ask from him. since if it's too quiet then soon he will leave and then I'm all alone again and I don't want to be alone. I never want to be alone. I always need someone with me. always...
To keep conversation going I should have started to small-talk. But I'll never small-talk since I don't know how. It always feels so awkwardly out of place when I small-talk. So I most of the time never small-talk. And it makes me so sad, since small-talk = long lasting conversation = good mood.

Perhaps that's why when I meet people who small-talk a lot I take them too seriously. I start to think they really mean what they are saying and giving away with they body language. Like my trainer Heigo. Most of the time he's just small-talking. Yet I find myself often in the position where I wish it wouldn't be a small-talk. That he actually would remember what he said after two hours. Every detail. Because that's what I do. I remember most of the things we have been talking about in our training even after 3 hours. I take him too serious and it's my doom, since sometimes my emotions are hopping really heavily around 'cause of that. When that time comes I often think that I should end with tennis so I wouldn't have to see him anymore. But what I don't realize is that it's not him, it's me and my seriousness that make the way for me to doom.

For example today. He called to ask how the tournament is going (hell it was his fault I ended up in the tournament and I took Kadri with me...). So we talked. He asked if I was enjoying it, how it all went, what score did I get, what score did Kadri get, that he just ended his tennis (after I asked if he is coming to the after-party of the tournament). In the end I said: "Come to the after-party then we can share our tournament-emotions with you". it sounded like an invitation, right? so he said perhaps he will, he will think about it.
Right after it he called Kadri. And asked about the tournament from Kadri. also what score did Kadri get, although I told it already just before.
so after Kadri left I washed, drank tea and after hearing how everyone were leaving and food and drinks are all gone already I decided to go home. But since I kinda invited Heigo I needed to tell him that I'm not there anymore. Called him. He answered with such a tired voice. Once again I took him too seriously. Since I offered him that he should come to the after-party and he said maybe he will, then I took it as "yes I will!". So I was mildly saddened by the voice. He did say though that he was at one point seriously thinking of coming to the after-party. what I'm trying to say here is that I took my commitment too seriously once again. I was sitting, drinking my tea, trying to figure out what I should ask from my trainer-partner next AND in the same time was waiting for Heigo.
Heigo in the other hand was still in yes-no decision about coming or not. and most likely taking a nap on his couch xD
It's just he was taking my suggestion/offer as a small-talk. I was taking it seriously.

I need to start small-talking and also I need to take all the small-talkers not very seriously. Only then may I find my peace in this world.


Recently more often the thought of going back to South-Korea has crossed my mind. And I haven't been in Estonia even a year yet... South-Korea - the place where no-one knows me, where I can start all over again with my life. Where I can be the woman I actually want to be. A place that will give me really-needed life-lessons. Where I have to get on by my own. Money, friends, relationships. I'm pretty sure that once I have been in South-Korea for about 3 years and when I come back I will be independent. something I have wished my all life, but since I don't have a job I'm not independent at all. As a bonus I will know exactly how small-talk works after being at least 3 years in South-Korea. I know how to use it, I will use it wisely, and I will not take other small-talkers so serious anymore.
There are a lot of daydreams I dream, but recently in one of them I'm in South-Korea because of work. I'm doing great, I'm playing tennis in South-Korea, I'm also taking taekwondo lessons, and I'm fluent in korean. also I'm rarely at home since I need to be outside parting with my friends or making new work-relationships work. I'm a really active person. This is who I actually want to be. But in Estonia there are so many things that restrict me. so many things because of what I pull myself back and take the role as a quiet and shy girl with low self-esteem.

holy crap... what am I doing...
I managed to subscribe myself for tomorrows tennis tournament. it's going to be in pairs. and I will get a random person as my partner.. I have never played in pairs. and me and tournaments do not fit together since I'm usually a nervous wreck during competition... I'm doomed... the person who has to play with me is doomed... holy crap!!!

(am really excited how this all turns out. yes I know it's totally opposite with the emotions I just wrote before. But I really am excited. We will lose, but I hope my partner doesn't mind it much. I hope I can get a lot of experience tomorrow. this is exactly what I need to advance in my skills faster! =))

In my dreams I bought toiletpaper. lots and lots of toiletpaper... ?!

new picture at http://jabway525.blogspot.com
It's a baby!! and he has only one aunt and that's me!!
*is proud to be the only aunty the little guy has. I can be the best aunty in the world!!

Too many things to do for school.
Every day I need to remind myself why I decided to continue my studies. I hate writing stuff. why oh why did I decide to continue tortuing myself?

am thinking of going for a run today. besides studing.
and I also want to check out the new shoppingcenter Solaris.
and then I want world peace and someone who does all these schoolworks for me.
oh and since I'm on the roll now. I want the freaking muffin-party to happen already!!...


ok here is the deal. this week everything seems so hectic. I don't know 100% my plans yet. what I'm doing on thursday or on friday. or wednesday. and saturday/sunday are a no, since Maarja is in Tartu then.
So my fellow muffin-party-wishers.
let's make it a clear date now.
NEXT WEEK. Let's say WEDNESDAY!
RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL?! (your school not mine) (and right after school, because school is already half way to my place. some of you *köhh-Annika-köhh* have to go way in the other side of the city if she goes home and then needs to come back the same way to come to my place..)

Hello everyone! ^^
I absolutely fell in love with Koyama's PV Love Addiction from Diamond DVD. <3
So it couldn't be helped, I made some gifs.

Preview is ( under the cut )

The rest you can find here at my lj.

Enjoy! ^^

this and that world are so different...

I'm talking about my life in Tallinn at home and with people I have got to know more this year
and the other world is Pärnu then. totally different universe.

In Pärnu I lost control over myself. I started to argue with dad, sticked my nose to things that weren't mine, bad thoughts came to my mind, I was lost, scared. what the hell was I doing?! why did I break down? why did I break down so easily?! I didn't like how I felt in Pärnu. I felt like a small kid again. Someone who you can't trust.
and then once I was back in Tallinn...

totally different world. I was back to my old me. I knew what I was doing, I knew how to talk with people. I found my calmness again. and of course I'm back to my old habit again - tennis and workout.

went running yesterday with Heigo. My idea of the running -> I'm running on my pace and I meet him later in the court where people do stretching and stuff. and there he will show me couple of exercises and that's it. boy was I wrong or what.
first we ran on his pace which was.. fast...
then we jumped and jumped and.. jumped... his idea of the jumping was: "nice to rest"... rest?! please please do look up the word RESTING from somewhere Heigo. this was not resting. I was pretty tired after jumping. but whoo, that was just the beginning.
after jumping we ran some more... his pace again.. I felt a cramp coming. "I can do it. no I will not be a child who will give up just after a crap has hit her leg. NO!! I can run with a cramp, yes sir, I can!!" (my thoughts)
Heigo: "A bit more!" "Almost there!" (he freaking started to tell that already when we only had half way behind us. And I believed him that we are almost there, since I never run in that direction.. so I really didn't know how long the road was till the court. I pushed myself alright... it was the first time I actually felt something in my heart. I never feel anything when I do exercises. I know I have to be careful, but this really was the first time I felt something. it was really short and not painful. just weird. but now I know where my limist are I believe and I need to stick with them. I shouldn't go over the limits just in case =) or I will get yelled at later in the hospidal or something. no need for that xD)

so we ran to the courts.
and wolla, we started to do stretching, push-ups, belly-muscle (?), more jumping, kangaroo-jumping (really bad, I really do not know how to do it...), jaw-pulling (??? xDD). the later was a joke. I have never managed to do it. never. and he's like: "just do it..." ... ?!?!... well fine I tried. managed to pull max couple of cm and I was dead tired xD .. second try was when he pushed me up so I can get the feeling or something. xDD I got the feeling alright. next time when I want to feel the feeling again I most likely need to call him and ask if he can come and push me up again since seriously no way I can do it alone.

there was also a tree covered with car-tires. basically it was a kicking tree. you could kick the tree how many times you wanted and your legs didn't hurt =) so I gave it a go. since I have done ju-jitsu and taekwondo and know a bit how to kick. *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!!
"Your kick is strong. nice!" Heigo says.
turns out the guy has also done some martial arts... is there anything he hasn't done or isn't interested in?!.. so he gave it also a go. *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!! ... loved the balance. I'm suspecting he has done karate.

and then as a cherry on the top of a whipcream we ran back to his car... ran.. when before only one leg had cramp, then now both legs had them. "I can do it I can do it!" (my thoughts) Heigo: "Where are you?!" (I let him run way ahead.) So I needed to pick up the speed. me and my cramped legs. but I did it. I caught him and we ran a bit more till the final stop.


today I woke up with pretty painful legs.
and I needed to play tennis too today. It's amazing. I trying to focus. but someway somehow somwehere in my conciousness I was so tired that although I focused on my play most of the time everything went bad. Heigo was also: "What happened?!" ... no way I'm willing to go with him to run again any time soon xDD